Weekends..

I do good all week and then the weekend hits and BAM all my efforts reversed once again. My self control needs to extend through the weekend, really it does. While I'm at work Monday to Friday I have not much option with food, I bring a salad to work and eat it at lunch, and even if there were food places nearby I never have cash on me to buy anything else anyway. Weekends however are a different story... I don't have many girl friends, I never had. I prefer guys; so much more honest and simple and no bitchiness and backstabbing to deal with. So, I hang out with the guys, my bf and his friends at the skate park with a box of beer while I watch them skate and drink ice cold beer in the sun - boys get hungry so pizza is suggested. Next day, my bf and his band have a gig, this entails more drinking and fast food. I know I am to blame, it is my choice what I put in my mouth and consume and I don't want to be that precious no-fun girl who constantly worries about calories (I sectretly do) but not in front of people, especially not my guy friends.. I'm that carefree, naturally thin, laid back chick who eats junk and drinks with the boys without any worries. But yes, to do this means to go the whole week desperately trying to rid myself of the calorie damage on the weekend so that no evidence of my indulgences remains in my body fat. First, I need to NOT eat with the guys if I am already drinking beer, my excuse can be that I ate earlier?.?. Something along those lines. I drink light beer but this is still not ideal. My next bet is bring along a bottle of vodka or something in my bag and drink this with coke zero? Not sure if thats better?
Well...It's Monday morning and I don't feel like thinking. I am at my work desk and bored, sipping green tea, trying not to fall asleep.
I spent all my money on the weekend and don't have anything until pay-day on Thursday. Meaning I pretty much can't afford food and the only thing in the house was a can of soup and baked beans. Shit, this is the only things we have to eat until Thursday! I'm possibly the worse house-wife ever, I don't feed my boyfriend, I rarely cook for him and tonight I will give him the can of baked beans and say 'enjoy!' this is our last meal until Thursday! Meh, I'm sure we will figure it out, everything always works out. Bf can always intrude at friends place and eat their food...He is the one who spent all his money also so we're both equally shit at adult life. Way to spend all your money on a massive LCD tv and alchohol instead of everyday needs like food and fuel for the car. Oh well, atleast we paid the rent on time... Sorry, I am just ranting and I apologise if anyone happens to read this extraordinarily boring post.
So intake this week is bound to be good with the money situation and all... Took that last can of minestrone soup to work for lunch today, I will have half today and half tomorrow, which is 70 cal for half. Urgh I can't wait for pay day, there's a pair of jeans I am dying to buy. Once again, I am so bad with my money and being a shopaholic doesn't help. Fuck the grocerie shopping off!
Oooh my hangover is only starting to hit me now.
And I really need a new career, something creative... I hate my boring office job!
The wife of one of my boyfriends old friends told me I should be a make-up artist, she is the fifth person to tell me this. She is a make-up artist herself for high profile people and television and took one look at me and is trying to convince me to do the course and work with her. This is definitly something to think about for next year!
Hope you are all going well, It's nice to catch up on your posts :)
xox
Scarlett

Ana, Mia, Mia, Ana

Have been good the last couple days. Went to bed so hungry last night but awoke feeling lovely and light and weak. So as to not stretch my shrunken stomach, I stuck to an apple for breakfast, a plain salad for lunch and green tea. I'm not even hungry! Which is a miracle! I just have to ignore my sweet-tooth...I get cravings now and then but if I don't give in they go away. Trying to just have water instead!

Scale this morning was 52kg so not much change which is frustrating! I really should be under 50kg by now!

I'm losing muscle tone from not excercising for so long but that doesn't bother me at all. I never liked muscle on women. Just slim, slender. So I think if I eat really little then I don't need to excersice, but if I could I would but I can't because unfortunately at the moment I am disabled :(

...I have a confession... I had a run in with an old friend I haven't seen in a while. Mia. I told myself I wouldn't and I haven't pretty much all year but the other night I ate too much and then had chocolate to top it off and felt physically sick and fat so I went to the bathroom and ran the shower as I purged, hoping my boyfriend wouldn't randomly walk in. He would get soooo angry at me.
After that, I had that familiar feeling of lightness, I felt thinner already for ridding my body of it all and then I went and downed two glasses of water while my heart was beating hard and fast, it was almost like a strange thrill. Now, I don't want to get in the habit of Mia again because I know the long term affects are worse then the short term weight loss but it helped me start all over again and since that purge I have been really good with my intake. I know the temptation will always be there because let's face it, that's how I lost weight fast last year but when I stopped the weight all came back and more. It fucks up your metabolism and even though I am tempted to lose the weight fast and by any means, I know it is not the way to go. So I will not be making it a frequent occurance -unless it is desperate times that calls for it.
I often have heartburn/acid reflux, I have issues with my teeth and it took me ages to get my metabolism back to normal because of Mia.
Also, I had noticed that people who used to be bulimic are now fat. You cannot be bulimic your whole life because it ruins your body, throat, parts shut down, and you end up being hospitalised and/or die eventually.. so you have to stop sometime, and when you do your body and metabolism is so messed up that even if all you eat is healthy fruit and veges your body does not metabolise it as fuel instead it stores it as fat to protect itself. So my point; mia is less than an ideal way to be skinny, it may seem to be an easy and fast way to lose weight but it is temporary and you'll most probably end up being fatter in the end then when you went into it.
Restricting calorie intake, eating only healthy foods (& drinks!) and only having small portions is hard and takes a lot of effort and self control but in the end it is worth it.
As for me, I'm still working on my self control!

Damnit!

Yesterday didn't go as planned. My boss gave me a box of chocolates because she had found out it was my birthday. Boyfriend was in the recording studio all day and night and I was feeling a little depressed, bored and lonely when I got home from work so I curl up on the couch with a bottle of wine and my box of chocolates and devoured the whole thing. Man I suck. Way to get skinny scarlett!
Thanks annamaria, I probably am being hard on myself lately but that is because I need to be...or I won't get anywhere. I'm looking forward to reading your next posts, it's nice to catch up with your world and escape mine for awhile.
Today:
Breakfast this morning was a bowl of cereal probably 200 cals worth
Green tea before lunch, and I brought a low-fat pumkin soup to work today for lunch (70cals).
Tonight I'm going to try to stick to a plain healthy salad for dinner! (70 cals)

Fake

Shit. So it was my birthday on the weekend and we went out to a fancy restaurant with a bunch of friends, as you do... The portions weren't huge, it was that type of expensive french joint where there is a small amount of food like decoration neatly assembled in the middle of your large plate. And so it didn't look strange to eat just a bit and leave some on the plate. I ordered a healthy vegetarian mushroom polenta type meal. BUT I also had oysters for an entree, and after the meal it was time to order desert! I steered clear from that saying that I will share with my boyfriend, knowing full well that he would eat the whole creme brule before I got a chance. AND THEN...my downfall: A platter of beautiful imported cheese selections came out and that is really my weakness. I don't know how much cheese and wine I had but it was enough to make me look pregnant and feel very sick until the morning. The food at that place is the best food ever and that put a lot of stress on me. I went there knowing I could so easily lose control and have a crazy binge session. And alas, I did.
My friend says, 'I hate you, you can eat anything you want and still stay skinny'. Bullshiz! If only they know the turmoil it causes in my head, the obsession and pure focus I put into not getting fat. It's like my life's work. But I act all care-free and relaxed, I act like one of those 'naturally thin' people who appear to be simply blessed with 'fast metabolisms' who don't worry about what they eat, they eat what they want and stay effortlessly beautiful. I am such a fake. Stiving to be thin is not effortless.

Now I have to reverse the birthday-weekend damage.

I need help to stay on track! (I need a miracle pill which will lose me 6 kgs!)


Today will be:
*Breakfast: small bowl cut up apple, strawberries, bananna (140 cal)
*Lunch: Tuna salad (120cal) w/ green tea (0 cal)
*Dinner: Instant miso soup (30 cal)
I'm a very rough estimater of calories...Im not very good at the counting. Anyone got any tips to keep track of calories?

Guilt

Ok, I haven’t been very good with keeping up with blogging. And I should, because then I can't ignore what i eat if it's written down then it’s there and it DID happen and by not recording it it's like I can pretend it never happended, which is BAD...Fat people ignore what they eat.
But I have trouble with calorie counting. Like I want to know the exact calories in everthing and if I don’t know exactly then I ignore it all together and eat whatever without even thinking about the calories, which is also BAD. I have no idea how much I have consumed in the past few days because I've just been mindlessly eating without thinking about it. And I'm not even being active at all! This is why im getting fatter not thinner. So now I have the extreme guilt.
Wow, I really need better self control. I really WANT better self control. I want to be able to control exactly what I eat and see the progress every day in the mirror! I have been reading all your blogs for motivation and I am still addicted to thinspo. I want a fresh start, where I do control the food and portions I put in my mouth. I need to record my intake so that I can't ignore what I eat anymore. I won't let myself get heavier. I will get to my goal weight!


I have a phobia of becoming fat, chubby, chunky (anything other than skinny!!)


Today I had:
*Small bowl of All Bran cereal for breakfast
*Large double shot soy latte (to wake me up...i was really tired)
*Roast chicken Salad for lunch
*Apple and 5 strawberries

How many calories would that be roughly??? Hmmm...

Tips and tricks I find useful...

• Drink a glass of water every hour. It will make you feel full.

• Dont try to fast for days and days. First of all, fasting for long periods of time actually slows down the metabolism, second, it increases binge cravings immensely, and third, it affects your mood greatly. Instead of being happy for losing weight, youll be depressed simply because of lack of food.

• If you live on your own or have a lot of privacy, tape/tack up pictures of your favorite models and always carry one around with you. When you're hungry pull out the picture. If you live on your own, tape them up on the fridge, freezer, and cupboards (just remember to take them down or cover them when people come over).
(I use my blackberry which has picture folders which can be created to store your favourite thinspo pics to get you motivated whenever you need, just pull out your phone!)

• Wear perfectly applied sticky lipgloss or chapstick. It keeps you very aware of what goes in your mouth, and makes you think twice about eating anything, because you will have to carefully re-apply.

• If you are really craving food, brush your teeth with a strong mint toothpaste. This helps to put you off food because of the taste it leaves behind.

• When you are hungry, clean your house, toilet, shower, vacuum, anything. It will make you less likely to eat and burn some calories.

• In between each mouthful of food that you eat, take a sip of water. It fills you up, slows down your eating so that you don’t overeat and you stay in control and the meal doesnt turn into a flat-out binge.

• When drinking water, drink ICE COLD water... your body has to burn calories to keep your body temperature up.

• I would not recommend taking laxatives because they are not an effective way of purging, and you actually gain weight by taking them. There are natural laxatives though, found in foods like prunes and grapes. You can also try a salt water flush with sea-salt but make sure you do it properly – google it for recipe and directions.

• Eat what you crave. But eat it before you crave it in moderation. For instance, instead of a whole chocolate bar, get one of the small ones and only eat 1/2 of it. Allow yourself to enjoy it. Deprivation leads to bingeing.

• Sleep at least 7 hours a night. Less than 7 hours sleep a night stimulates appetite by 15%. A lot of people with eating disorders suffer from insomnia, but it really is important to get as much sleep as possible.. Not just for weight loss, but because it helps the body stay healthy even though it may be starving.

• Lower the temperature in your house 10 degrees to burn more calories, or take an icy cold shower/bath. Like drinking the ice water, it causes your body burns calories as it tries to warm you up.

• Always eat teaspoon size amounts of food at any one time and chew well. You will become fuller with less food so wont want to finish what's on your plate.

• If you’re really hungry, chew sugar free gum to distract you and your stomach from food.

• Try drinking more hot beverages, especially in autumn and winter. Hot liquids expand the intestinal tract and make you feel more full. A warm drink can help take the edge off your hunger, preventing overindulging later. In fact, soup can do the same. Also, bullion cubes are only 5 calories a cube, and they taste wonderful.

• Focus especially on the first three bites. After that, the excitement of eating will begin to slowly subside, and you'll probably be content with a smaller portion.

• Spicy foods raise your metabolism and burn slightly more calories than mild foods.

• If you feel like you want to eat, go to a friends house that you cannot just raid the fridge at. Being around other people will make you less likely to eat since most people with eating disorders are embarrassed of being caught eating in public.

• When you go out, take only a few bucks with you so when you walk past the pastry shops you can't afford anything if you’re tempted.

• Before you dig into that carton of ice cream, bag of chips, etc., take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually, by the time you stop counting you will have convinced yourself that you don't really need it.

• Write a note to yourself listing all the reasons you are finally ready to lose weight. Keep this letter with you, for inspiration.

• Check your head. Never eat anything bigger than your head, even lettuce. You'll only stretch your stomach out. Train your tummy to settle for less, a meal the size of your fist at MINIMUM.

• Serve your food on a small plate or in a small bowl. The smaller the better!

• If it’s bad for you, don't Swallow! Take a bite, chew, and spit it out.

• Track your triggers. Log them in a notebook, post them in your journal, whatever. This way youll know when a trigger is going to hit, and youll know in advance to keep yourself occupied during that time.

• Sit up straight. You'll burn at least ten percent more calories sitting upright than reclining.

• If you're being watched, try the opaque cup trick. This ones a classic: Pretend you're eating, and spit the food in the cup while you pretend to be drinking - don't forget to get rid of what's in the cup though!

• Go Vegan or vegetarian, or just cut out red meat altogether... Meat and meat products have a lot of fat in them.

• Never eat anything bigger than your fist.

• Have a peppermint. Peppermints actually decrease hunger.

• Drink herbal tea whenever you get hungry and drink as much as you want its low in calories, and it fills you up.

• Green tea is not only an anti-oxidant, you can burn up to 110 extra calories a day by drinking several cups.

• Diet soda, contrary to what it says on the bottle, is not calorie-free. It is, however, still low in calories (one calorie a can), and though it’s not as good as drinking water, it will fill you up. It is also high in sodium which is not good for you.

• Try varying your daily intake. If you eat, say, 200 calories a day, you will hit a plateau in your weight loss and your metabolism will slow down greatly. Instead, try consuming 400 one day, 600 the next, 200 the day after, and so on. The numbers are up to you, but whatever you do, make sure the calorie content doesnt stay the same.

• Persuade yourself that you don't like a food, take your favorite food and when you look at it and think yum, think yuck instead. Even if you dont believe it at first, even just thinking it goes a very long way, and eventually you will convince yourself that you really dont like the food.

• Always leave at least 3 hours between eating anything and going to sleep. If you eat before sleeping it can help you to put on weight, the 3 hours gives your body enough time to burn calories, which you wouldn't burn if you went to sleep.

• Wearing "fashionable" gloves and scarves really helps when you get cold and makes people less suspicious than if you're always bitching that you're cold when its over 80 degrees out.

• Celery has no calories, and your body actually burns calories just to digest it. Every couple of hours, eat a stalk of it. Not only will it fill you up, but it'll also get your metabolism kicking.

• Try Green Orange or Bitter Orange (found at health food stores). They contain synephrine, which increases your metabolism more effectively and it's not as dangerous to use as ephedra.

• If you really need it, coffee on an empty stomach can make you feel sick and will curb your appetite while burning calories and give your metabolism a kick because of the caffeine.

• If you get hunger strikes, go on a walk or sleep...keeping your mind off food will make them go away. And if you exercise to avoid eating, you will automatically get into the ‘can’t eat, need to get thin!’ mood.

• Try to always keep busy to keep your mind off food and hunger. Do art, read, write, give yourself a manicure, pedicure, go shopping...whatever!

• Whenever you get hungry, think of all the people who made fun of you in middle/high school. Or think of all the compliments you will get once you reach your weightloss goal.

• Put your fork down in between bites at meal time.

• Be near a bin then you eat so if you feel like you are going to over eat, you can just make it a reflex action to throw the food away. You can't think about it though, because you'll end up eating it all. Even if you've only eaten 2 bites, if you feel that you might be full, just impulsively throw the food away. I don't recommend this tip if you're eating with other people though.

• When you are really hungry, take some anti-heartburn pills. Stomach acid is always being made to help digest food and when you don't eat it builds up and you feel hunger. Pills help neutralize the acid and you won't get hunger pangs.

• Drink plenty of water, at least 8 glasses a day. This is an obvious one, but there are other reasons to due this, other than weight loss. Drinking water ensures that the kidneys are functioning properly. If you are not fully hydrated this means that the kidneys are not working to their full capacity and results are that the waste products are then dumped onto your liver, which is where the fat process actually occurs. And water actually speeds up your metabolism.

• If you eat at night before you go to bed, make sure you lay on your left side. It makes the food go through your system faster and won’t have as much time to suck fat out of the food. But remember that you shouldn't eat before you go to bed. It slows down your metabolism and your body will store the fat from the food instead of burn it as energy.

• Keep yourself extremely busy, almost to the point of being completely stressed out, and you can go for 8hrs without being hungry or wanting to eat.

• Use two of the Ginseng packets you find in convenience stores if you don't have diet pills (mini-thins work well also). Be sure you don't take more than two every six hours or so because if you haven't eaten in a while, 3 can give you the shakes.

• If your body doesn’t feel too uncomfortable doing so, eat only a hard boiled egg, an apple, some celery and a glass of water for a day every so often. This should be sufficient.

• Remember, out of sight is out of mind. If there are goodies lying around on the counters or table, put them away and/or hide them. That way you won't be tempted.

• Make vegetable soup with low cal veggies cut up in chunks. It will make you feel full, but actually you haven’t eaten very many calories.

• If you have a terrible craving, turn on the TV. Most likely, some sort of show will be on with skinny, gorgeous actresses/models. It's a definite way to curb an appetite and provide some thinspiration.

• If sitting at school or work, constantly tap your feet/fingers. Fidgeting throughout day is proven to burn up to 800 calories per day.

• If you're in outpatient treatment and have to have your blood tested - a comprehensive metabolic panel - there are a few ways you can fool the test. One, drink water - LOTS. You need to flush the ketones that have built up in your system out of your body or else they'll know you're starving/burning fat. Two, eat some nutritional stuff - yogurt, fruit, cereal - the day beforehand as well as a few hours beforehand, Technically, you're supposed to fast for 12 hours before the test for it to be accurate in measuring your vitamin levels. NOT fasting will up the vitamin levels. Three, make sure you always take vitamins. Finally, you'll want to make sure you get your electrolytes in. Smartwater has 0 calories and lots of electrolytes - perfect for this tip and the first one! So drink up.

• Wear nail polish to cover up the bluish tinge that starvation gives your fingernails so others don't suspect it as much.

• Have to go to a restaurant with someone? Some ways you can avoid eating much - 1. veganism (makes it hard to find suitable food); 2. severe food allergies (always a good answer when they offer chocolate!), or 3. order something that you've never tried before. When you taste it, say you don't like it.

• Three product recommendations: smart water (0 calories, but has electrolytes - even if you don't purge you lose them!), caffeinated peppermints (sugar free - 3 for 5 calories, at www.peppermints.com), and antacid gum (for those times you do have to purge). These are the triumvirate of the anorexic's medicine cabinet.

• When you're cooking, make sure you chew gum at the same time so you won't be tempted to take little bites of the stuff you're cooking, and also drink lots of water so you feel full.

• If you have a sugar craving for something sweet eat strawberries or cherries for some naturally sweet food which is good for you.

• Go and buy yourself a gorgeous little dress or sexy pair of jeans in your ideal size and every few days try them on to see how far off you are from reaching that goal dress size. This will help motivate you because you will be so eager to fit into it to show it off –as well as your new slim self- to the world!

Uh oh...

Anna maria, you are the best. Thanks so much for commenting :) atleast I know someone is reading and cares about what I have to say even if I do rant on!


Well, I am really not happy right now. My weekend of bingeing has most certainly reversed all my efforts and any weight I lost is now put back on. I don't really want to talk about it. I feel like a failure. I don't want to go back and forth with this I just want to stick to it!

Thinspo helps me keep motivated and DETERMINED to stick to this and who better than Miranda Kerr to do the job?

~~